


Caring about you is second nature.

by chaos101



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Rape Recovery, i remembered to write them kissing again!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28962144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101
Summary: The article is innocent enough. And so is the kiss. Just a simple kiss between Ash and Eiji at midnight in Times Square, and an article titledDespite the Snow, New Yorkers Flock to Celebrate the New Year.It sends Ash’s stomach plummeting to the ground.After seeing a photo of himself in an a news article, Ash needs Eiji's help to remind him that maybe not every photo of him is so bad, after all.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 33
Kudos: 215





	Caring about you is second nature.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya hiya! Every picture described in this, other than the New Year's photo at the beginning, is based on either Garden of Light or New York Sense. I hope you enjoy!

The article is innocent enough. And so is the kiss. Just a simple kiss between Ash and Eiji at midnight in Times Square, and an article titled _Despite the Snow, New Yorkers Flock to Celebrate the New Year._

Ash and Eiji are on the cover photo for the article. Probably some attempt at diversity, showing an interracial gay couple front and center. Snow surrounding them, white flecks in Eiji’s dark hair. It’s a cute picture, really. Nowhere near the quality of Eiji’s photos, but still not bad. A candid shot, capturing the love between the couple.

It sends Ash’s stomach plummeting to the ground.

 _It’s just Eiji,_ he tells himself. _You’re just kissing Eiji._

But Eiji didn’t take the photo. Someone else did, their eyes on Ash through the lens, watching his lips touch someone else’s. Ash didn’t even notice the camera on him. How could he have let his guard down so thoroughly?

 _Because you’ve been trying to let your guard down,_ he thinks. _Trying to reduce the hypervigilance. It wears you down, being overly aware of everything all the time._ And he knows it’s true, but— _This wouldn’t have happened if I had just noticed._

Not that it’s a big deal, really. It’s just a kiss. Not ... anything else. And he’s an adult now. He can kiss his fiancé and there’s nothing forbidden, nothing even sexual about it. Nothing about this photo would make a middle aged man want to slip his hand into his pants.

Unlike the other things Ash has done on camera. Unlike the other magazines he’s been in, the other videos of him. He’s not crying in this photo, and he’s not even acting. But ...

His vision is swimming. He can barely see the article anymore, so caught up in his own mind. A hand appears on his shoulder, and he closes his eyes, grits his teeth, ready to do whatever they tell him to. But the hand doesn’t squeeze him, or push him down, or shove him whatever direction they want him to go. It just rests there, gentle.

“Ash? Sweetheart, are you okay?”

“Eiji,” he gasps. It’s Eiji. Come to save him, like he always does. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. What’s wrong?”

Ash forces himself to open his eyes and gestures at the tablet in front of him. He’s not sure how to explain. Anything he could say would sound stupid. Fucking pathetic.

Eiji takes one look at the tablet and locks it, screen going black.

“What do you need, Ash?” he asks.

Ash shakes his head. He doesn’t know. What if someone recognizes him from the photo? Recognizes him as New York City gang boss Ash Lynx, or as child prostitute Ash Lynx, or as porn star Ash—

“Ash ...” Eiji whispers. “Come with me, love.” He takes both of Ash’s hands in his and helps pull him to his feet. Leads him to their bedroom, but it’s Eiji. Eiji’s bedroom. He feels safe. Not in the way where he has to tell himself over and over that he’s safe, but in the way where he really, truly trusts this man.

Eiji releases his hands once they’re in the bedroom, but instead of being grateful that he’s not being pushed down on the bed, Ash finds himself missing Eiji’s touch. _Come back,_ he thinks, but he can’t bring himself to ask. He doesn’t want to bother Eiji more than he already is.

But without anything grounding him, Ash thinks back to the article. It’s posted online. In the age of the internet ... The court confiscated as much of the content as they could, but Ash isn’t stupid. He’s not delusional. They couldn’t have gotten everyone who had the files. Even with Ash testifying against everyone he could remember in return for witness immunity, it’s not like he knows the name of everyone who bought him, much less everyone who bought his porn. There’s undoubtedly still pictures and videos of his 11-year-old self out there, maybe being watched by someone right now, getting off to his tears from a time before he learned not to cry.

His stomach roils uncomfortably, and he sinks to the floor, curling in on himself. _Breathe,_ he tries. He can’t catch his breath, no matter how fast he chases after it. _Grounding—find something—anything—_

“Can you hear me?” Eiji asks.

Ash nods, not looking up at him.

“Good! I’m proud of you. Listen to my voice, okay? That’s something you can hear, right? Can you find something you can feel for me?”

And Ash feels the ground under him, but it’s not enough. He reaches a hand out for Eiji, still without raising his head. It only takes a moment before Eiji’s hand is in his.

Eiji doesn’t grasp his hand, just rests his own in Ash’s. Ash squeezes softly, just enough to make sure he’s there.

“Eiji,” he manages. “I feel—you.”

“Thank you,” Eiji says softly, and Ash can hear the smile in his voice. “Next, is there anything you can see?”

Swallowing, Ash opens his eyes and looks up. The first thing he sees is Eiji, and he wants to focus on him, but he manages to look around the room and find other things he can see, too. There’s a bed, but it’s _their_ bed, and only Ash and Eiji have ever been in it. There’s a camera on the desk, but it’s _Eiji’s_ camera, and it’s only ever been aimed at Ash with his permission.

Eiji walks him through the rest of the exercise, something that both of their therapists taught them. Once Ash is breathing normally again, Eiji smiles at him.

“There you go, sweetheart,” he says. “Feeling better?”

Ash nods, still focusing on his breathing.

“It was the photo, right?”

His breath catches, but he nods again.

“Hey, stay with me, okay? I have an idea, if you think it’ll help. Do you want to look at my photos of you?”

Ash looks up, surprised. “Your photos ... ?”

“The ones I’ve taken of you over the years, or the ones of us together. Would that help?”

It ... might, actually. “Let’s try it,” Ash says, barely above a whisper.

Eiji stands up, retrieving a small photo album, and sits down next to Ash on the floor.

“This is my Ash album,” Eiji says.

Ash actually laughs. “You have an Ash album?”

“Of course! I can’t just mix these in with the normal photographs. They’re _special,_ okay?”

Ash remembers when he first met Eiji and Ibe, how he asked Ibe to not take photos where his face was visible. But so quickly, he became comfortable with Eiji photographing him—his face, his body, in every situation. “Whatever you say,” he whispers.

When Eiji opens the album, the first photo is of Ash shirtless. Ash almost averts his eyes, but looks at it just long enough to realize—it’s just him in the kitchen at one of their old hideouts, a plate of spaghetti in one hand and a towel wrapped around his hair as he licks sauce off his hand. It’s a photo that easily could have been sexualized—Ash’s finger in his mouth, his boxers showing slightly above the waistband of his sweatpants, every line of muscle on his chest on display. But something about the way Eiji took the picture ... it doesn’t seem sexual at all. It seems homey, domestic. It doesn’t show Ash as a porn star, or even a gang leader. It makes him look ... almost human.

“Wow,” Ash breathes. “You’re incredible at this.”

Eiji laughs. “I have a good model.”

But Ash knows that’s not what it is at all.

The next photo was taken moments before that one, of Ash scooping spaghetti out of the pot. Ash reaches out to turn the page.

Next is a photo of him at Cape Cod, during that time they spent waiting for Max to repair the truck so they could head to Los Angeles. Ash is fully clothed in this one, wearing an “I Love New York” T-shirt and holding up a fish he’d just caught, still on the fishing line. In this one, too, Ash looks just like any other 17-year-old boy. He’s ... pretty, yes, maybe even beautiful. But not in the way he’s used to seeing himself.

“How do you get me to look like this?” he asks.

“This is what you really look like, Ash. This is how I see you.”

Ash shakes his head. It’s almost unbelievable.

The next photo is him shirtless again, standing in water up to his thighs with his jeans still on. The water ripples out around him, framing him in the photo though he’s off to the side slightly. He’s running a hand through his wet hair, like he’s done on camera in the past, but it doesn’t look forced here. It doesn’t even look like he’s posing for the shot at all. He’s just ... existing, and it happens to be captured on camera.

When he turns the page again, the next two photos are of him getting undressed, and he almost turns away. The first is him pulling his shirt over his head, both hands on the collar with it already up above his nose. In the next, he’s unbuttoning his jeans, looking vaguely in the direction of the camera with a petulant expression. But even in these two, the energy is ... mundane, almost, but too magical for that. Ash has undressed on camera countless times before, often with a perfect mask as though he was enjoying it. But there’s no masks here. Just him pouting at Eiji and his camera, comfortable even with the lens pointed at him.

Ash keeps flipping through the photos. He’s surprised at how many there are. He remembers most of them being taken, but somehow he didn’t realize that Eiji had been paying such close attention to him for so long. There are photos of him reading, sleeping, waking up, dressing, drinking, bathing, and just _existing._

There are photos of him and Eiji together, posing at the camera, peace signs and smiles brighter than Ash thought he would ever see on himself.

It occurs to Ash, suddenly, how much Eiji must really love him, to see him this way despite what he’s done.

Even after all this time, even after engagement rings and years of love confessions, the thought is still a bit terrifying.

“Did this help at all?” Eiji asks.

“More than you could ever know,” Ash admits. “How do you ... do this?”

“Do what, my love?”

“Make everything better. So easily, as though it’s second nature to you.”

Eiji laughs. “Caring about you _is_ second nature to me.”

Is that all it is? Caring about him? Loving him? But if so, Ash should be able to do the same for Eiji, and he’s not exactly confident that that’s the case.

Eiji reaches up and brushes a lock of hair behind Ash’s ear. “What are you thinking about?” he asks.

“How much you love me,” Ash confesses. “And how much I love you back.”

“You don’t just love me back,” Eiji says. “You love me entirely on your own, too.”

And Ash knows it’s true, because even if Eiji didn’t love him, he would still love Eiji endlessly.

“Can I kiss you?” Ash asks. “Like the New Year’s kiss, but just for us this time?”

Eiji smiles, and the world feels a little less heavy. “Of course, my love.”

And they do.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think of this one! I live for comments and reread them over and over. Even if you're reading this a while after it was posted, I promise I'll still read and appreciate your comment!
> 
> I'm trying to learn Tumblr! Come [hang out with me](https://chaos101lynx.tumblr.com/) and like ... send me asks or something?


End file.
